STARBUCKS THE MUSICAL COMEDY
ACT ll, SCENE l
(Act ll, Scene l: Opens at 7 AM on Monday at Starbucks of the following week and one day before the Karaoke contest at O’Leary’s).
Maria Bayonia
Good morning everyone! How was jour weekend?
David Shapiro
Mine was great; I went to a Startreck Convention at the Javits Center. There must have been ten thousand Treckies there each day.
Maria Bayonia
I know I’m going to regret asking this question, but what did jew do there for two days?
David Shapiro
You get to meet other Treckies and talk about your favorite episodes, favorite character’s, and things like that. There were also booths set up to buy Startreck memorabilia and costumes and stuff. Yesterday, I went to a vendor at the convention and purchased an authentic Cleon Birth Certificate. I’m having it framed this afternoon.
Maria Bayonia
What did this cost jew and what does the Birth Certificate say?
David Shapiro
If you must know, it was $19.95. They ask you a whole bunch of questions, like where you were born, and are you married or single, gay or straight and what year you were born to humans on planet Earth. They feed all of this into their Cleon Warp Super Speed Computer and it came out that my Cleon Name is Zarra and I’m over ten thousand years old in Cleon years.
Maria Bayonia
Well, that at least accounts for jour hearing loss Zarra, jour older then dirt. Oy, this is going to be a long week. I think jew should ask Marsha to get jew a new name tag with Zarra on it. The English translation means zero. That fits!
Marsha Fine
How was your weekend Maria?
Maria Bayonia
It was pretty quite. Did some laundry, studied, rode my bike twenty miles on Saturday and practiced my;… oh forget it.
Marcia Fine
Practiced your what?
Maria Bayonia
(Stammering) Well, I, I, I practiced my singing.
Marcia Fine
I didn’t know you sang. What are you practicing for?
Maria Bayonia
Well it’s kind of crazy but Lupe told me that she was in a bar last Wednesday evening and they were handing out applications to sing Karaoke on Tuesday night. The winner gets an all expense paid vacation for two to San Juan, Puerto Rico. Even though I’m Cuban American, I thought I’d like to go. I’ve never been there. First I told Lupe no way, and then I started thinking about it and thought, why not. So I practiced some songs over the weekend and I’m going to give it a shot.
Marsha Fine
Where exactly is this Karaoke competition?
Maria Bayonia
I think Lupe said it was at O’Leary’s Bar & Grill. Have jew ever been there?
Marsha Fine
Funny you should ask, I had not been in their in a long time, but I was just there last Wednesday night.
Maria Bayonia
Did jew happen to see Lupe and Craig Silver, her boss at the salon? They were there last Wednesday evening.
Marsha Fine
No I did not. Ah, do you know if they saw me there?
Maria Bayonia
I don’t think so, she didn’t mention it. If jew don’t mind me asking, what were jew doing out at a bar like O’Leary’s on a Wednesday night?
Marsha Fine
Oh, nothing. I was just a little board and decided to get out of my apartment for a few hours. You know, blow the stink off.
Maria Bayonia
Did jew meet Mr. Right?
Marsha Fine
I don’t know, time will tell. Anyway, changing the subject, I received a packet of information from corporate headquarters today regarding a new College tuition refund program that Starbucks has initiated. I will give you your copy when your shift ends today. I just read through it quickly, and it looks like you would qualify for the maximum tuition refund as you’re a junior in college working on your bachelor’s degree.
Maria Bayonia
Moi Fantastico. That sounds great. I’ll read it over tonight. I could juse some help with my tuition as money is a little tight at home. Hey Zarra, did jew hear that, probably not (said under her breath), Starbucks has started a college reimbursement program. Jew should take advantage of it. Jew’ll only be taken up space anyway, maybe now jew could get a degree from Cleon College with a major in Space. It’s perfect.
David Shapiro
Very funny Maria! I have about twenty college credits when I dropped out. I just got board and lost interest. Maybe this will motivate me to go back to college.
Marsha Fine
So Maria, what genre of songs will you be singing?
Maria Bayonia
I think I will sing a few songs that my mother jused to sing to Lupe and me when we were very joung. Popular songs from the late 1950’s and early 60’s. It was always comforting to hear her sing to us. Momma has such a beautiful voice. Anyway, Lupe said she and Craig will come and support me at the Karaoke competition. Jew should come tomorrow night if jew have nothing better to do.
Marsha Fine
I’ll have to see if I can make it tomorrow night. I’ll tell you what; I’ll go in the back right now and make up a sign which we can scotch tape to the counter, letting our customers know that you’ll be singing in the Karaoke contest tomorrow night at O’Leary’s. Hopefully, you can pick up some supporters to help you win that trip to Puerto Rico.
Maria Bayonia
Oh Marsha, thank jew very much, I really appreciate it. The competition starts at eight and is over at midnight; maybe jew can put that on the sign. (Reaching down for her pocketbook in a cabinet by her feet). Here’s a copy of the application with all of the information about the contest and it has O’Leary’s address on it
.
Good morning Tony. I want to congratulate jew.
Tony Perone
What for?
Maria Bayonia
For being a yentelman, when jew took out Lupe last Friday night. Even my parents liked jew. First impressions are important, jew know. Here’s jour Grande Caffe Mocha and jour lemon pound cake. Oh by the way, if jew are not doing anything tomorrow night jew might want to stop by O’Leary’s between eight PM and midnight to hear the Karaoke contest. I signed up as a contestant and I’m trying to bring a cheering section to help me win. Also, Lupe’s going to be there and it will give jew a chance to spend more time with her, if jew want to.
Tony Perone
Count me in. I’ll finish my workout at Gold’s Gym around seven thirty, so after I go home, shower and change I should be there by eight fifteen.
Maria Bayonia
I appreciate jew coming tomorrow and I especially appreciate jew showering before you come. This way jew can leave the scent of rat holes and perspiration in the shower drain and spare the nostrils of the O’Leary’s faithfull. I’ll tell Lupe that jew’ll be there.
David Shapiro
You know Maria, if you want me to go and hear you sing Karaoke tomorrow night and support you, I will.
Maria Bayonia
Thank jew David or Zarra, and Jes, I’d like for jew to come and to support me. Find a seat up front so you can hear me.
Barry Feldman
Good morning David!, I’ll have a Venti Caffe Latte with skim milk and a toasted bagel with cream cheese. No pumpkin anything.
David Shapiro
That will be $6.75.
Barry Feldman
Here, put it on my Starbucks debit card.
David Shapiro
Larry, if you are not doing anything tomorrow night you should go to O’Leary’s Bar and hear Maria sing in their Karaoke competition.
Barry Feldman
Are you kidding me, Maria (pointing to his left) the Barista is going to sing at O’Leary’s tomorrow night? Oy Vay!
(Barry; shuffling to his left with bagel and cream cheese in hand toward the Barista station).
Good morning Maria.
Maria Bayonia
Good morning Barry, or as jour cup reads; Larry. Jew look very handsome today. Is that a new suit jew are wearing?
Barry Feldman
Yes it is. In fact I just realized that the jacket pockets are still sewn shut. David just mentioned that you are going to be singing tomorrow night at O’Leary’s in a Karaoke competition. How exciting!, I didn’t know you could sing.
Maria Bayonia
Singing is a part time hobby of mine. If I can win the competition, I will receive an all expense paid trip to Puerto Rico for two. Have jew ever been to O’Leary’s Bar? I hear it’s a meat market, especially on Wednesday nights.
Barry Feldman
Well, I was actually there last Wednesday evening with Joe trying out my new found persona.
Maria Bayonia
Did jew meet any young ladies that jew were attracted to?
Barry Feldman
Why are jew asking; I mean why are you asking?
Maria Bayonia
Well, with jour new threads and jour Travolta strut, I bet jew had women buying jew drinks just to talk to jew. Anyway; if jour not doing anything tomorrow night why not come out and cheer me on. In the meantime, after jew put your breakfast down on the table, bring jour yacket back to me and I’ll cut the pockets open for jew on your yacket.
Joe Delany
Good morning David, I’ll have a Grande Peppermint Mocha with whipped cream and a piece of lemon pound cake. Here; (handing a debit card to David) put it on my Starbucks debit card.
David Shapiro
That was $7.15, leaving you a balance of $33.65.
Joe Delany
(Delany slightly crouches down in front of the Barista station to read the hand posted sign). What’s this? You are going to sing tomorrow night at my home away from home, O’Leary’s. I didn’t know that you could sing.
Maria Bayonia
Jes, I can sing, but I haven’t sung in public since my senior jear in high school at a recitile.
Joe Delany
I’ll plan on being there. I may even sing a song or two myself, after I down two Crown Royals for courage. After they hear me, you’ll be a shoe in.
(Joe walks over to the table where Barry is sitting) Good morning champ. You gotta tell me what happened Friday night at Marsha’s apartment.
Barry Feldman
OK! But first I need to drop off my suit jacket to Maria, she is going to cut open the yacket pockets, I mean jacket pockets for me. I’ll be right back. Barry walks over to the Barista station and hands Maria the jacket.
Maria, here is the suit jacket. Thanks!
Maria Bayonia
I get a ten minute break in a few minutes, I’ll cut the pockets open then, OK!
Barry Feldman
Thanks! (Barry struts back to the table where Joe is sitting)
So how was your weekend Joe?
Joe Delany
I’ll tell you in a minute. I want to hear how my star pupil did last Friday Night at Marsha’s apartment. Every detail!
Barry Feldman
Well, I showed up at 7:30 sharp with a bouquet of Red Roses wearing my new tan slacks and my Hugo Boss black leather jacket, which may have been a hugh mistake.
Joe Delany
Where’s the mistake? Sounds perfect to me!
Barry Feldman
When she saw me standing in her doorway of her apartment she said Oh Barry!, Oh Barry! Lunged at me, kissed me for about five minutes and hustled me past the Brisket of Beef that was simmering in the kitchen, onto her queen sized posture pedic and disrobed me in a tenth of the time it took me to get dressed.
Joe Delany
Well come on, what happened next.
Barry Feldman
Next lasted for about two hours; followed by my second shower of the evening then a slightly overcooked Brisket and a slightly over sexed date. My head was spinning, or maybe it was my Dradle even before I consumed most of the Manchevits wine. I think she opened two or three bottles, which were also empty by the end of the night. I don’t really remember.
Joe Delany
So, did you spend the night with her?
Barry Feldman
I had to. I had no choice. I couldn’t let my mother see me totally wasted, and I doubt I could have boarded the correct subway and found my way home even if I wanted to. The next thing I know the sun is shining through venetian blinds on Saturday morning and I hear kids playing outside in the street. I look over at the clock at it reads 9:15 AM. Oy vay! Then Marsha walks into the bedroom with tight blue jeans on, an Eagles tee shirt with her hair down holding a tray with hot coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese. Unbelievable! She didn’t even ask for my Starbucks debit card.
Joe Delany
Does this date ever end?
Barry Feldman
Sort of; I take my second shower on King Street in fifteen hours while plotting my escape and what I’m going to tell my mother as to why I didn’t come home last night. I’m, sure by now she has the Massad searching for me thinking that I’ve been taken hostage by a fundamentalist Palestinian group. Meantime Marsha perches herself on the side of the bed, while I’m eating my bagel and tells me how perfect last night was, and that I should move in with her. At which point I gasped and coffee went up my nose and I choked for ten seconds. I told her that while I thoroughly enjoyed last night, I needed time to think things over and I’d let her know in a few days.
Joe Delany
So how did you explain that you were a no show to your mother all of Friday night?
Barry Feldman
I used you as the beard. I told her that I met up with you while out on my date, and I wound up sleeping on your couch Friday night. It worked.
Maria Bayonia
Here Barry, here is jour yacket. There was a safety razor in the back, and I jused it to cut open the pockets, both outside and inside of jour yacket. Hope jew can come to O’Leary’s tomorrow night and cheer for me.
Barry Feldman
Thanks Maria. I’m going to try to be there for you tomorrow night. I can’t wait to hear you sing. (As Maria walks back to behind the counter).
What’s new with your love life?
Joe Delany
Well, last Thursday night and I’m playing hockey at the pier on the Hudson River. It’s about five minutes into the third period of the hockey game and I was jawing back and forth with this idiot on the opposing team who works on Wall Street. All of a sudden he cross checks me into the boards by the Blue Line so hard, my helmet comes flying off. So I chased after him, skating down the ice and hooked with my stick him while he was skating full speed and POW! The next thing he knew, he was kissing the goal post and bleeding from the lip. So I get a two minute penalty. While I’m stewing, sitting in the sin bin, I look up and see Joan waving at me. All of a sudden I’m in a trance. My penalty is over and I’m sitting in the penalty box like it’s a park bench in Central Park on a nice spring day. How embarrassing!
Barry Feldman
I’m not sure what all that means as I know nothing about hockey. So what happened after the game?
Joe Delany
I took her out to dinner at a nice quite restaurant about two blocks from my apartment, figuring it would be convenient to go back to after dinner. It never happened. We had a good dinner, great conversation, held hands, but that’s where it ended. I got shut out twice in one night. Once by Bobby Virgilio, the goalie from the Wall Street Warriors, and once by Joan Love, the cougar from Cleveland. I think I’m losing something off of my fast ball.
Barry Feldman
Oh boy ,Joe I consider you a friend and a colleague at work and what I’m about to tell you is extremely difficult, but you need to know. After your date with Joan was over, I get a phone call from her asking me to meet you and her for a drink at the lounge at the “W hotel across from the 9/11 Memorial.
Joe Delany
You’ve got to be kidding me. How did she ever get your cell phone number?
Barry Feldman
Well at first I thought that you gave it to her to call me as a joke. Then when I get there, and you are not there, I asked her the very same question. She knew that we worked together for the same company, in the same department, and you gave her your business card, so she called me at work and asked for me yesterday afternoon. I was away from my desk, and she told my secretary Dawn that we were good friends from ten years ago, and she wanted to surprise me while she was in New York City on a business trip and asked for my cell number and Dawn gave it to her.
Joe Delany
I’m afraid to ask what happened next. I know it can’t be a “Shabot Love In” because Joan said she was Presbyterian.
Barry Feldman
Joe, I’m not sure you need to know all of the sorted details, you’ll be hurt by it.
Joe Delany
No, I think that I really need to know, regardless of how it makes me feel.
Barry Feldman
OK here goes; we are sitting at a lounge table by the bar, she orders her usual Beefeaters and Tonic, and I ordered just a regular Coke. I didn’t want a repeat performance like I had with Marsha ten days ago when I got obliterated on Manachevits wine. So we talk for an hour or so and she invites me upstairs to her room. I said, I’m sorry I can’t do that to Joe and she says it doesn’t matter I’m not going to see him anymore. She then tells me that when we were in O’ Leary’s the other night that she came over to try to talk to me. I told her that I froze, and she say’s that’s exactly what I like about you. You are not cocky, you don’t have polished pick up lines, you are real. So, I wound up spending the night with the Cougar, and I don’t even have a driver’s license. That’s all I’m going to tell you Joe, no sorted details. There’s only one other thing, she asked to see me Thursday night, and I said yes. I have to tell you Joe, I really like her a lot. I’m kind of confused at the moment. I mean Joan is so sophisticated, she’s much different than either Marsha or Maria.
Please don’t be mad at me Joe. You created this sexual monster. I’m sorry.
Joe Delany
I’m not mad at you. Jealous yes, mad no! I can’t fault you from saying yes to a beautiful successful woman like Joan. I know I couldn’t say no to her, and don’t worry, things will sort themselves out.
Barry Feldman
Thanks a lot Joe. Your understanding means a lot to me. Will you still continue to coach me on how to pick up woman?
Joe Delany
Are you kidding me! It looks like the student should be teaching the teacher.
Look ,let’s go to work. I have several big reports to get out today.