ACT: l SCENE ll
STARBUCKS THE MUSICAL COMEDY
(Scene 2, Act 1 Takes place at the Starbucks store in the So Ho section of New York City, one week later with Barry Feldman walking in and sitting down at a table, putting his jacket over a chair and taking out his lap top computer.)
Joe Delany
(Walks in and sits down at Barry’s table)
Barry, look at you; you’re one handsome dude. How does it feel to be ultra cool?
Barry Feldman
I wouldn’t go that far, but I do have more self confidence than I’ve ever had in my life. When I was practicing my pick up lines in front of the mirror, over the weekend, trying to be Travoltaesque, I no longer saw myself, the image in the mirror was of someone who I don’t know all that well, but I guess I’ll grow into it. Do you notice anything else Joe?
Joe Delany
Yeah, you ditched those black rimmed nerdy glasses. Way to go.
Barry Feldman
I noticed when I was practicing my pick up lines looking in the mirror, something didn’t look right. It was my glasses that I need for distance. So I found an ophthalmologist on Queens Boulevard who was open on Sunday and he fitted me for contact lenses, the new kind you can wear even when you sleep. He gave me a starter kit of six lenses and I ordered two boxes of lenses for each eye which should be delivered later on this week.
Joe Delany
Are your dreams more focused and clearer then before?
Barry Feldman
I know your attempting to be funny, but now that you mention it, I now see my dreams in Technicolor, it’s like they are playing in an IMAX theater in my head. I may start eating popcorn before I go to sleep, so I’m in a movie mood. Let me buy you some breakfast Joe, what would you like?
Joe Delany
I’ll have my usual, a Grande Peppermint Mocha with whipped cream and a slice of lemon pound cake
Barry Feldman
(Get’s up from the chair and walks over to David the cashier to place his order).
I’ll have one Grande Peppermint Mocha with whipped cream and a slice of lemon pound cake for my friend Joe, and I’ll have a Venti Caffe Latte with skim milk and a toasted bagel with cream cheese, regular; no pumpkin.
David Shapiro
That comes to $14.35. What’s your name?
Barry Feldman
You’ve got to be kidding. Here’s my Starbucks debit card to charge my order, and the name is Barry with a “B”.
David Shapiro
Here’s your card back Barry, and Maria will have your order in a minute.
Maria Bayonia
(Maria is working feverishly behind the counter, preparing six different drinks at the same time and trying to get the ingreadiance for each drink exactly to the customer’s request.)
She finally looks up and calls out “Barry” as she knocks over a drink in progress and gasps.
Barry, Barry are jew the same Barry who comes in here every day, who juse to have black rimmed glasses, a different hair style and different clothes, the CPA? Jew look a little like the movie actor, John Travolta.
Barry Feldman
That’s interesting, and yes, I’m the same guy Maria, sort of, with a makeover, Thanks to my co-worker Joe, sitting over there. I’ve spent the past week making some changes in my social packaging and self confidence, but inside I’m still Barry the CPA.
Maria Bayonia
Well Barry, jew look moi fantasco. Have a great day.
Marsha Fine
(Walking over behind Maria)
Maria, did I hear you right? Tell me that’s not Barry the CPA.
Maria Bayonia
I can’t tell jew that it’s not Barry the CPA, because it is Barry the CPA. Everything has changed, his clothes, his hair style, no more Barney Google glasses, and he seems to have John Travolta channeling through him. His voice, his walk, his stare! Last week he wouldn’t even make eye contact with me, today I felt naked when he was looking at me.
David is living in his own world totally oblivious to everything. He didn’t even recognize Barry.
Why do you suppose he changed his appearance?
Marsha Fine
My guess is that he felt that he was going through life like Clark Kent, unnoticed, and flying under the radar screen and decided that he wanted to fly out in the open and get noticed, so his new persona is his flying cape, just like Superman. This Friday I may just invite him to a Shabbat Shalom, at my home, and get him all alone; if you know what I mean. All I need is to go online and buy some kosher kryptonite for our get together. I’m having difficulty believing that that’s Barry the CPA and I’m starring right at him. I have to admit, I never once looked at him through my Horney hormone vision goggles until now. He looks fantastic. Amazing!
Joe Delany
Thanks for the Peppermint Mocha Barry. Now, are you ready for your pick up line quiz?
Barry Feldman
What pick up quiz? No, but go ahead anyway, let’s see what comes out of my mouth.
Joe Delany
OK, an attractive brunette in a blue dress with blue eyes comes up to the bar to order a drink where you are strategically standing, what are you going to say to her that will make her stay around and talk to you.
Barry Feldman
Can I buy you a drink?
Joe Delany
Absolutely not; if you say that you will spend a small fortune on drinks and you may get a polite “Thank You”, nothing more. What you should say is something like this, “Did you buy that blue dress to match your beautiful blue eyes, or are you wearing colored contacts to match your gorgeous dress. Once you engage her in complimentary conversation for a few minutes, and you feel she’s coming on to you, than offer to buy her a drink. Also, make sure you keep eye contact with her during your conversation. Don’t look down at your shoes, or gaze into oblivion. Remember sit or stand erect, don’t slouch. It gives off a bad vibe, and remember; the Travolta speech cadence. Be confident, smile and be slightly funny when you have the opportunity. Once you do this a few times it will come as second nature to you. By nine PM on Wednesday night you will have your lines on auto pilot.
Barry Feldman
I’m both excited and nervous about my coming out little party on Wednesday evening.
( Lupe Bayonia, Marias’ sister and her employer at the hair dressing salon, Craig Silver saunter into Starbucks together and walk up to the cashier, David Shapiro to place their order.)
Lupe Bayonia
Jello! I’ll have a Venti Iced Tazo Black Tea and a Bountiful Blueberry Muffin. Craig, what are jew having?
Craig Silver
I’ll have the Tea, like your having and I’d like a toasted bagel with cream cheese. Make that with the Pumpkin Cream Cheese. That was good last week, and it camelflouged the awful order of the hair dye.
David Shapiro
OK, that’s two Venti Iced teas, one Blueberry muffin and one toasted bagel with our seasonal Pumpkin Cream Cheese. That comes to $11.69. What names go on the teas?
Lupe Bayonia
Lupe and Craig.
David Shapiro
Thank you and have a good day. Maria the Barista will have your orders in a few minutes.
Maria Bayonia
(Without looking up at the customers and trying to read the side of the plastic cup say’s)
Ruby and Greg, Ruby and Greg. Oh Lupe I didn’t see jew come in, I’ve been so busy. Craig how are jew today? I can only guess that these drink orders are for jew. David either doesn’t listen to the customer saying their names or he can’t spell. It’s a real problem for me, because I’m the one calling out the wrong name, and I’m the one who looks like the stupido. Hey David jew just hit a double; Ruby and Greg are actually Lupe and Craig. (Sarcastically) Keep up the good work David, Imbassiliadad!
David Shapiro
Well I just printed what I heard. I heard Ruby and Greg.
Maria Bayonia
I think jew should go to an audiologist and test drive a “Miracle Ear”, both sides. Maybe jew just don’t hear well, and if that’s the case I would feel awful for goofing on jew, assuming that jew had a real medical issue.
Marsha Fine
You know David, Maria is right. You are entitled under our current health care plan to one hearing examination per year that is paid for by our health insurance company. Who knows how much longer we will have such a good plan. If you wait for Obamacare you’ll wind up totally deaf or listening to our customers thru a mega horn, or reading lips because of the feared deaf panels.
Lupe Bayonia
(Looking over at the table where Barry and Joe are sitting)
Maria, who’s that good looking guy sitting over at that table by the window with that Playboy Joe?
Maria Bayonia
You are not going to believe me when I tell jew. It’s that guy Barry, the Nerdy CPA; make that formerly nerdy CPA who works with Joe at the Hedge Fund. In the past week he has totally reinvented himself. He’s gorgeous.
Lupe Bayonia
OMG! Your right I can’t believe it’s him. Beside the new cloths, and he’s not wearing those black framed glasses, someone gave him a great haircut. I always take notice of men’s haircuts for professional reasons jew know.
Maria Bayonia
Yeh right; that’s not the only thing jew notice about men. I know jew too well.
Lupe Bayonia
Jew are right, I usually check out the size of their hands and feet. I’d like to date a guy who looks like that.
Craig Silver
So would I. In fact, I’d date either guy at that table.
Maria Bayonia
No offense Greg, but I don’t think either yentelman play’s for jour team.
Lupe, what would jew talk to him about, Mylie Cyrus and her latest tour? He’s an intelligent CPA; he’s a nice Jewish man in his mid thirties. On top of that my manager Marsha has her sights on him and it sounds like she’s going to move in on him pronto.
Lupe Bayonia
Listen Maria, all men love to talk about sports, so I’ll talk about the New York Jankees and the New York Mets. All jew need to do is to go up to a guy in a bar and say; “How about those freaking Mets”? They will buy jew a drink, possibly dinner for that line. I know everything there is to know about Derek Jeter. He even smiled at me in a club a couple years ago.
Maria Bayonia
How come jew didn’t pick him up Lupe?
Lupe Bayonia
Well I was so nervous; I told him that I liked his hair style. Then he laughed and said it’s hard to screw up a crew cut. Then he walked away. I think I’m going over to Barry and introduce myself to him. (Lupe struts over to the table where Joe and Barry are sitting and say’s) Excuse me jour name is Barry; right. I’m Lupe Bayonia, that’s my sister over there, Maria the Barista. I noticed what a nice hair cut jew have. I’m a beautician and I would like to cut jour hair the next time jew need a haircut and I’m right around the corner. Here is my business card and my cell number is on the bottom. (Lupe gives a flirty smile and walks away.)
Barry Feldman
Did you see that Joe? She came over to flirt with me and all I’m doing is sitting here with you having my breakfast. Unbelievable! Do you think I should call her up and ask her out on a date?
Joe Delany
You better mull that one over a little. You told me last week that your found Maria the barista beautiful and would love to go out with her. It’s borderline impossible to date one sister then turn around several weeks latter and date the other sister. I’m not so sure even I could pull that one off and I wrote the book on dating women. Slow down. You haven’t tried the bar scene yet. Let’s see what happens Wednesday night at O’Leary’s. Besides, that Lupe, while she’s pretty, she might be a little young for you and not as challenging as her sister. I mean, you have to talk to your dates you just can’t you know, Bingo, Bango, Bongo.
Barry Feldman
What’s Bingo, Bango Bongo Joe? I think you are forgetting that I’m Jewish. Only Catholics play Bingo. We play Mahjongg, or spin the Dradle.
Joe Delany
Bingo, Bango, Bongo is just a saying. The point is after you attract a good looking girl, you have to seem interested in who they are, their job, their likes and dislikes, are they living at home or do they share an apartment with one or more of their friends. Make believe you’re a lawyer and you are conducting a friendly deposition. This information can be very important. You get a feel for who they really are. Oh! Whatever you say, don’t tell them that you are living at home with your mother. That’s a turn off. If they ask, just tell them that you lost your lease and you are currently looking at apartments in the City. I’ll be sitting close by, and if you start to go off the tracks, I’ll intervene.
(Tony Perone swaggers in and heads for the cashier David)
Tony Perone
Yo! David, I’ll have a Grande Caffee Mocha and a toasted bagel with cream cheese.
David Shapiro
You are not interested in the Pumpkin Cream Cheese right?
Tony Perone
Yo! right, not for me; just the regular cream cheese.
David Shapiro
That comes to $6.35.
Maria will have your order in a minute.
Maria Bayonia
Tony, Tony, a Grande Peppermint Mocha and a bagel with cream cheese.
Tony Peroni
Yo! Maria, How ya doin taday? You always look gorgeous. Any chance that we could hook up latter on this week?
Maria Bayonia
Tony, only hookers, hook up and I’m not one of those.
Tony Peroni
I didn’t mean it that way; I just wanted to ask you out on a date. That’s all. I even went on line and registered for the Jeopardy contestant test like you suggested. Unfortunately, the next test isn’t until February, and it’s only October. Did you notice my new hard hat. It’s white with the Con Ed logo in the front, cool ha?
Maria Bayonia
What was wrong with jour old jello hard hat?
Tony Peroni
Last Friday I was working under ground at Fourteenth and Broadway and a pipe broke off and hit me right on the noggin. I was a little dazed for a minute, and the pipe cracked my hard hat. So they gave me a new one.
Maria Bayonia
How did you know you were dazed?
Tony Peroni
The foreman told me.
Maria Bayonia
That figures. Look; see that pretty girl sitting over there by the window with the guy who looks like Goldilocks? That’s my sister Lupe. Against my better judgment, I will introduce jew to her. She is a beautician and she works for Mr. Goldilocks’ sitting with her at the table, whose real name is Craig. Jew better treat her with respect, or jou’ll have to deal with me. Comprende!
Tony Peroni
I think so. I’m not sure what comprende means.
Maria Bayonia
It just means that jew understand what I said to jew.
(Motioning to Lupe with her hands).
Lupe come over here.
I want jew to meet Tony, he works for Con Edison, as jew can see by his hard hat, and is a regular here in the store Monday through Friday.
Lupe Bayonia
Nice to meet you Tony. It looks like jew work out at the gym. Do jew?
Tony Peroni
Ya, Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s at Gold’s Gym on 23rd Street. Plus I lift and drag around heavy electric cables underground for my job. Look, I’m running a little late for work, can I have your phone, and I’ll call you later today.
Lupe Bayonia
(Searching inside her pocketbook), here’s my business card. It has my cell phone on it. I could also give jew a great haircut if jew come by the salon. Talk to jew later.
Maria Bayonia
Have a good day Tony and watch out for the pipes. Just think, if this works out, jew won’t have to take the Jeopardy Contestant Test.
Tony Peroni
That will be a big relief.
(Barry and Joe get up from the table. Joe walks outside. Barry walks up to Maria.)
Barry Feldman
Maria, thank you for sending your sister Lupe over to talk to me. She seems really nice like you and has your big brown eyes and cute smile. It’s the first time a beautiful young girl ever came up to me to talk, other than Ellen Baliban, who works in the fashion industry and she wanted to know if she could deduct pet sitting her cat Moshe, when she traveled to the Orient on a buying business trip.
Maria Bayonia
I’m surprised that jew noticed my eyes. Jew never said anything about my eyes or my smile before. Jew hardly ever made eye contact with me until today.
Barry Feldman
Your right! That’s why I desperately needed a major transformation. I was tired of being a geek and wanted to more like Joe. I want to date beautiful young women my age, not the daughters of my mother’s friends from the Synagogue who are all thirty pounds overweight and wear Laura Ashley prints down to their ankles. I wanted to be with a woman like you. Oh! Oh! I shouldn’t have said that. It just came out. I’m sorry. Got to get to work!
Barry runs out of Starbucks and Act 1, scene 2 ends.