STARBUCKS THE MUSICAL COMEDY
ACT ll, SCENE lll
(Scene opens inside Starbucks the morning after the Karaoke competition at O’Leary’s, approximately 6:45 AM, fifteen minutes before the store opens.)
Marsha Fine
So David, it’s nice to see you so early, as opposed to 6:59 AM like usual. How are you today?
David Shapiro
I’m a little tired to tell you the truth. I decided to go to O’Leary’s last night because Maria asked me to go and support her karaoke performance.
Marsha Fine
Well; so how was she? Could she sing?
David Shapiro
Could she sing? She has a great voice; and her stage presence is unbelievable. She was amazing, she could sing at any club in the City, heck, she could sing on Broadway, she was that good. (Hesitation) However, there was one not so small glitch.
Marsha Fine
So; what was the problem?
David Shapiro
Well her first song was perfect. She sang “Somewhere” from West Side Story, you know, the song that Barbara Streisand nails every time she sings it. So she, and Barry Feldman, you know the guy who comes in here Monday through Friday, who use to act and dress like a nerd, who now has somehow transformed himself into a clone of John Travolta. They both get to the final round of competition.
Marsha Fine
Wait a minute, Barry got up on a stage and sang at O’Leary’s. Oy Vay! What song did he sing?
David Shapiro
For his first song, he sang “Teddy Bear” by Elvis. He has a strong voice and did a great job of impersonating Elvis. Hell, he wound up the song on one knee and swinging the microphone. He was so good; it was unbelievable; he got to the final round against Maria.
Marsha Fine
Barry did that! Oy Vay! I’m having a tough time processing that image. I thought he would have selected Halva Nakela. Do I feel like a shmuck? I should have gone; instead I watched a rerun of the biggest loser. Now I feel like the biggest loser. So what was the glitch in Marias’ performance?
David Shapiro
I’ll tell you in a second. For Barry’s second song he picks; let me correct that, it turns out that Barry had no intention of singing at all but his buddy Joe Delany, you know the smooth talking good looking Irishman, signs Barry up for the competition without telling him. Delany picks the “Wanderer” by Dion and the Belmont’s. When Barry balked at going up on stage I heard Joe say to him that this was his final exam for his transformation.
Here’s where the glitch is; in the final round of competition, Maria selects the song “Venus” by Frankie Avalon. The problem arose when Maria pronounced the title “Venus” which is repeated about a hundred times in the song. Because of her Cuban / Spanish speech, she couldn’t discern the difference or pronounce the “V” in Venus, and pronounces the letter “P” instead which unfortunately for Maria, brought down the house in unbridled laughter. Everybody at O’Leary’s was laughing except her sister Lupe, who has the same hearing and pronunciation problem that Maria has. That guy Tony from Con Ed explained to Lupe what the problem was and as soon as the “Penus Fiasco” was over, Lupe followed Maria into the ladies room where Maria was balling her eyes out, and explained to her why everyone was laughing.
Marsha Fine
Oh my God, that’s awful. I feel so sorry for her. So what happened next?
David Shapiro
You are not going to believe this. Old John Travolta ; aka Barry Feldman walks up on stage whispers something to the DJ, grabs the microphone and announces that he’s withdrawing from the competition. He said that Maria had the best voice in the competition and she should not be penalized for mispronunciation of a word due to her Spanish heritage. Then Barry walks off the stage to a thunderous applause and sits down with his buddy Joe.
Marsha Fine
So then what happened?
David Shapiro
The DJ then gets everybody’s attention, and with a drum roll announces that Maria Bayonia is tonight’s Karaoke winner and she has won the round trip airfare and a one week’s stay at the Dorado Beach Resort in Puerto Rico for two. At that point Maria followed by Lupe sheepishly makes their way to the stage. While wiping away her tears of joy and embarrassment she thanks the crowd for their support and then invites Barry up on the stage. She thanks Barry and proceeds to give him a big hug followed by a wet Cuban lip-lock smack on the lips. I thought Barry was going to faint. He looked dazed, like the cappuccino machine fell on his head.
Maria Bayonia
Good morning Marsha, Good morning David. Sorry I’m a little late, but I couldn’t sleep a wink all night. I had the most devastating and beautiful night of my life last night. I feel like a different person today, more self confident then I ever have felt. I feel totally transformed.
Marsha Fine
Oh no, here we go again. This self transformation stuff is like a highly contagious disease. I hope the CDC comes out with a vaccine for it soon, because in six months no one will recognize anyone else in this place. We will all have new and different personas. We can all thank or curse that Joe Delany character. It’s all his fault.
So, I here you are going to Puerto Rico on vacation.
Maria Bayonia
Jes, jes! Isn’t it unbelievable? I can’t wait. I’ll probably schedule it the week after my final exams at NY Jew.
David Shapiro
That was some thank you that you gave ole Barry up on stage last night. Borderline “X” rated if you ask me.
Maria Bayonia
Well, I’m not asking you and it was not. Jew should confine your comments to Cleon behavior. I was just so excited to win the trip I just gave him a hug and a kiss. That’s all.
David Shapiro
Well, from where I was sitting, it looked like the trailer for “Fifty Shades of Gray.”
Marsha Fine
Really! Maria do have a thing for Barry Feldman?
Maria Bayonia
I don’t know, I’m not sure. I ust leaned over to give him a polite little kiss and I wound up in a serious Havana Lip Lock with him. I don’t know what happened. It was spontaneous.
Jew know, Barry has always treated me with respect. Even before his transformation, he was always a yentelman. I always called him Mista, not even by his first name, and he always thanked me, never even using my first name, he just called me barista. He only started looking up at me two weeks ago. Shhh! He ust walked in.
Barry Feldman
Good morning David. I’ll have a Venti Caffe Latte with skim milk and a toasted bagel with cream cheese. You can put it on my Starbucks card. (Barry shuffles to his left toward the Barista station).
Marsha Fine
Barry, I heard you gave quite the performance last night at O’Leary’s. That’s two great performances in one week. It appears that Joe Delany has become your Svengalli.
Barry Feldman
You must have heard that Joe Delany tricked me into the Karaoke competition last night. I had no intention of singing in that karaoke competition.
Marsha Fine
Yeah, David told me that your buddy Joe tricked you into singing, by signing you up for it without your knowledge.
Maria Bayonia
(With Barry standing in front of the counter by the Barista station, Maria whispers to Barry)
What other performance is Marsha talking about?
Barry Feldman
(Barry whispering back to Maria).
Well, last Friday night she invited me over to her apartment for a Shabbat Shalom dinner and I went.
Maria Bayonia
O, I see. Was it a religious experience?
Barry Feldman
Not for me. Look, I would like to speak with you in person, not here in Starbucks with everybody listening to what we are saying. How about, we meet tonight at O’Leary’s at 8 PM. No Joe, No Lupe, No Marsha, No Karaoke, just you and I. What do you say?
Maria Bayonia
Ok, I’ll see jew at 8PM at O’Leary’s tonight.
(Joe Delany walks in to Starbucks)
Joe Delany
Top of the morning to ya David. I’ll have my usual, a Grande Peppermint Mocha with whipped cream and a piece of lemon pound cake.
David Shapiro
That comes to $7.15. Have a good day.
Maria Bayonia
(Looking up over the counter)
Good morning Joe. Here is jour Grande Peppermint Mocha. Wasn’t last night incredible? It was so encouraging to see everyone from the store at O’Leary’s last night. Why didn’t jew sing?
Joe Delany
The truth of the matter is that when I registered with the DJ, I was going to sing those two songs, and then I thought, no; Barry needs the confidence. So I scratched off my name and inserted Barry’s name. It worked out well, don’t you think?
Maria Bayonia
Jes it did. Once I got over my embarrassment for not pronouncing my “V”s and making a fool of myself. I was blown away when Barry withdrew from the competition and let me win the trip to Puerto Rico. That was so nice of him.
Joe Delany
I’ve worked with Barry for over three years and I can tell you, he’s one classy, stand up guy. He just looked nerdy and no one paid much attention to him. That’s why when he asked me to help him transform himself into a more outgoing, social animal, I agreed. Now look at him, just two weeks of the Delany method of social behavior and he’s ready for the Tonight Show.
Let me ask you something? Do you like Barry? Not just for withdrawing from the Karaoke competition, but in general do you care for him at all?
Maria Bayonia
Funny jew should ask. Marsha asked me the same question fifteen minutes ago. I’ve always liked him as he was very respectful of me as a Barista. But when I gave him a kiss, out of gratitude for letting me win the Karaoke contest, I think I felt something inside of me, like I never felt before.
Joe Delany
I’m going to let you in on a little secret; Barry has liked you for quite a while. He’s just been to shy and embarrassed to say something to you. If I were you and you like him, I’d find a way to let him know. There may be some competition lurking for our Barry Travolta. Look, I gotta go and sit down with the man. Again, congratulations on winning the trip.
Barry Feldman
Good morning Joe. What were you talking to Maria about for so long? It couldn’t have been about your Peppermint Mocha.
Joe Delany
No, we were talking about you. Are you ready for this? Maria really likes you. I think you should ask her out.
Barry Feldman
I have, well sort of. I’m meeting with her tonight so that we can talk. But I’m also thinking about, you know, Joan. I can’t believe I even have this problem
Joe Delany
What are you going to talk to Maria about? As for Joan, I would tread lightly, she’s been around the block a few times, she’s probably ten to fifteen years older then you. She’s a lot to handle. Yeah, she’s smart, beautiful and successful, but be careful. Maria is a few years younger than you and probably a better choice for you. Look I really want you to be happy.
Barry Feldman
When I came in this morning, Marsha made an oblique reference to last Friday night, and I want to straighten it out with Maria, and I couldn’t do it in here. I told her that I had a Shabbat Shalom dinner with Marsha at her apartment. I think it got lost somewhere in the translation from Hebrew to Spanish to English.
Joe Delany
That should be an interesting conversation. I’d like to be a fly on the wall for that one.
Barry Feldman
I’ve told you that I always liked Maria, and she was one of the main reasons that I wanted to change my social persona. So, I just want to be honest with her from the get go and tell her what happened last Friday night at Marsha’s apartment. I’m not mentioning anything about the “W” hotel
Joe Delany
If you were Catholic like me, and went to confession to have your sins forgiven, you would be spending the next week saying the rosary as penance for your pre nuptual exploits.
I have got to hand it to you; you’ve got a lot of Hudspeth.
Barry Feldman
I’m impressed; you’re spouting Yiddish words in your speech with a slight Irish brough. Why don’t you use that the next time one of your hockey opponents checks you into the boards. Like “You’ve got a lot of Hudspeth checking me that hard”.
Getting back to my meeting with Maria, she shouldn’t have too much of a problem with the Marsha date. I mean we weren’t going out, or had any sort of relationship other then Barista / Mista .
Joe Delany
I hope for your sake your right. I just wouldn’t call it a date. It was more of a congical visit predicated on religious beliefs, which got out of control with you and Marsha drowning yourselves in Manachevits. I hope you at least used some form of contraception?
Barry Feldman
Oh my God! I never even thought about that. I told you I don’t remember even taking my pants off, they just flew off and I was drunk as a skunk. Hopefully Marsha was taking the Pill or something.
Joe Delany
If I were you cowboy, I’d ask her ASAP. You wouldn’t be the first guy that was set up like that. I don’t think Marsha would do that, she’s too smart, but you better ask. Just to make sure.
Barry Feldman
Oy! I feel sick to my stomach. I’m going to ask her right now.
(Barry leaves the table and walks over to the counter and tries to get Marsha’s attention.)
Psst ! Psst! Marsha can I have a word with you.
Marsha Fine
(Marsha walks around the counter to the front where Barry is standing.)
What’s up my Haifa Hotty?
Barry Feldman
I’ve been wondering, (stammering) last Friday night; did you take any sort of protection for what we did?
Marsha Fine
Yeh, I bought a bottle of Pepto Bismol just in case my Brisket was too spicy for you. Just kidding, Just Kidding, I know what you mean. Yes I was protected; I use a sponge. Don’t worry.
Barry Feldman
A sponge; like in Sponge Bob Square Pants.
Marsha Fine
Yeah, kind of like that, except I call mine Sponge Moshe Crochless Panties..
Don’t worry, I’m not pregnant, my friend came yesterday.
Barry Feldman
And your friend is this Moshe guy?
Marsha Fine
Oy va! Look Barry, I have to get back to work. I’m sure the Irish stallion that you work with can fill in the blanks for you.
Barry Feldman
(Barry walks back to the table where Joe is sitting.)
Joe what’s a sponge?
Joe Delany
Well the obvious answer is it’s a form of sea life. You can use it to wash your car, or almost anything with it. Then there’s the birth control sponge.
Barry Feldman
I think the last one you mentioned is what Marsha was referring to. I never heard of a birth control device called a sponge. I’ve heard of the pill and condoms, but not a sponge.
Joe Delany
I don’t know how you can be in your mid thirties and not know about the birth control device called the sponge.
Barry Feldman
Marsha named hers, Sponge Moshe Crotchless Panties. Anyway she assured me that there is no residual effect from me sleeping over last Friday night, as she has a friend of hers named Moshe who is visiting her.
Joe Delany
( Shaking his head) I think it’s about time to head to the office.
Barry Feldman
Yeah, I’m ready. Just want to say good bye to Maria and remind her about tonight.
(Barry walks up to the barista station)
See you tonight at O’Leary’s at 8 PM.
(Barry and Joe walk out of Starbucks)
(Tony Peroni and Lupe Bayonia walk into Starbucks together holding hands.)
Tony Peroni
Good Morning David. Did you have a good time at O’Leary’s last night?
David Shapiro
Yeah, it was exciting and entertaining. I had no idea that so many of my customers and co-workers were so talented. What can I get for you today?
Tony Peroni
I’ll have my usual, A Grande Caffe Mocha and a toasted bagel with cream cheese. Lupe what are you going to have?
Lupe Bayonia
Hi David. I’ll have a Venti Iced Tea and a Bountiful Blueberry Muffin.
Tony Peroni
David, put Lupe’s order on my bill.
David Shapiro
Everyone inside this place is changing faster than warp speed. I need to inform Captain Kirk. My Vulcan Warp Speed Meter would desenigrate in my hand in this place. This transformation business has really gotten out of control. I’ll have to travel to a new and distant galaxy just to keep track of my co-workers and customers. Hope you don’t mind me asking, but does Craig know about you to?
Lupe Bayonia
I don’t think so, but my personal life isn’t his business. I’m a straight girl, Tony is a straight guy, a very straight guy and Craig is, jew know, has one loafer in each camp. Craig is a good guy, and a good friend and my boss and that’s it.
David Shapiro
That will be a total of $12.48 for both orders Tony.
Tony Peroni
Here’s a twenty David.
(As David makes change, Lupe walks to her left to Maria’s barista station.)
Maria Bayonia
I see jew and Tony are becoming an item. Is he treating jew with respect?
Lupe Bayonia
Jes he is big sister. I think he really likes me. I’m so excited.
Maria Bayonia
Ust be careful. He has quite the reputation as a ladies’ man. I have a favor to ask of jew. Please don’t go to O’Leary’s tonight. I’m meeting Barry there at 8 PM, and I don’t want to run into anyone that I know, especially from here. OK! Don’t mention this to Tony.
Lupe Bayonia
Oh Maria, jew really care for him don’t jew?
Maria Bayonia
I like him Lupe, but there are hurdles right now and potential hurdles in the future. I ust need to have a heart to heart honest discussion with him.
(As Tony walks over by Lupe and Maria).
Lupe tells me that you treat her like a lady. That’s good! Keep it that way or I’ll spike jour Grande Caffe Mocha with salt peda and nothing jew own will be Grande. OK jew guys, I’m busy, I’ll talk to jew later. Adios!
(Lupe and Tony sit down at a table).
Lupe Bayonia
I’ve got to tell jew Tony, I have never seen my sister act this way toward another guy. She has become schmitten with the new Barry.
Tony Peroni
I think you mean smitten.
Lupe Bayonia
Whatever, she’s cautiously optimistic about their relationship. It’s kinda weird; she has known the old dorky Barry for almost a year and the new good looking confident Barry for two weeks. He’s affected all of us, including jew. Jew have become more mature and caring during the past two weeks.
Tony Peroni
I don’t know if I agree with you. I think it’s being around you has opened my eyes as to what my life could possibly be with someone like you. I think you changed me more than Barry’s transformation.
Lupe Bayonia
That was so sweet of jew Tony. I can see Maria with the new Barry. Between jew and me, Maria can see herself with the new Barry. She’s one Chiquita banana peel away from slipping over the cliff of love with him. I even offered not to go to Puerto Rico with her, if she wanted to go with Barry. I mean he would have won the competition anyway, had he not withdrawn. She told me that the deal was for both of us to go together, but I know she would like to spend time with him, away from work and O’Leary’s to get to know him better.
Tony Peroni
I have an idea. If you don’t go to Puerto Rico with Maria, you can come with me to Las Vegas. I already have a room booked at the Wynn Hotel. I’m registered to play in a Texas Hold’em Poker Tournament next month. What do you say?
Lupe Bayonia
That’s so nice of jew. I need to think it over. I’ll ask Maria what she thinks. We’d have to coordinate the dates. Then there is my parents! They would get an audience with the Pope if Maria and I took a trip with guys we weren’t married to. “I carumba Chico”. I’ll let jew know in a few days. OK!
Tony Peroni
I have it all figured out. We all leave on the same day from JFK, same terminal. Your parents drop you off outside the terminal. We fly to Vegas, and Maria and Barry fly to San Juan. You’ll both get a similar tan, and we both fly back to JFK at approximately the same time. With airport security and TSA rules you’re golden. Your parents can’t come to the gate.
Lupe Bayonia
How and when did jew think this up? You can add my parents, Josey and Dido to that Ed fellow that you con. You can add their names to your hard hat. Con Ed, Con Josie and Con Dido. A trifecta of deception.
Tony Peroni
I know this sounds a little crazy, but when I’m below street level with my hard hat on, I think better than I do above ground.
(Lupe leans over the table and gives Tony a kiss on the cheek, as the scene ends.)