STARBUCKS THE MUSICAL COMEDY
Act: l Scene: lll
(Scene 3 takes place at O’Leary’s Bar on a Wednesday Evening about 6 PM. As the curtain opens the bar scene is active and the sound system is playing the soundtrack from “Saturday Night Fever” with Barry standing at the bar with his back to the bar and Joe is seated next to him, facing the bar.)
Joe Delany
Well, here we are the Target^ of meat markets, O’Leary’s on a Wednesday evening. You are about to witness a parade of women, all shapes and sizes, looking to meet a guy, most of them for a long term relationship. I always hum to myself the song; “Entrance of the Gladiators”, that’s the song that they usually play at the circus when all of the performers and clowns make their grand entrance. ( Do, Do Dooddelo, Do, Do Dooddelo, Do, Do Dooddelo). You have to be excited Barry. You must feel like the starting pitcher on Opening Day for the Yankees.
Barry Feldman
If that pitcher feels weak in the knees and is about to projectile vomit, than I’m your guy.
Joe Delany
Barry, let me buy you a drink to calm your nerves. What will you have?
Barry Feldman
I’ll have a white wine Spritzer.
Joe Delany
No you won’t; you can’t. You need to order a man’s drink like a Manhattan or a Martini, or Scotch on the Rocks.
Barry Feldman
Which one comes with a maraschino cherry in it?
Joe Delany
That will be a Manhattan. Bartender! I’ll have two Crown Royal Manhattans up, when you get the chance? Barry, you need to relax. You look great. Just remember everything I taught you over the past ten days. Your body language has to shout out how relaxed you are, how self confident you are, and remember to act like Travolta would act. You even resemble him a little.
Barry Feldman
That’s strange you’re the second person to tell me that in a week. Maria the Barista at Starbucks made a comment like that the first time she saw me after the transformation. By the way, how did you get them to play the “Stay in Alive” by the Bee Gees?
Joe Delany
Easy, I went on O’Leary’s web site and typed in “Saturday Night Fever” music about fifty times in their suggested music for tonight. OK, here’s your Manhattan, nurse it for an hour. I don’t want you to get shit faced and fall down, or barf on what could be the future Mrs. Barry Feldman. I’ll be right here listening to your conversation. I’ll only jump in if I feel you need it. Or, if you want to just say to the young lady, oh, by the way, I’d like to introduce you to my friend Joe. Relax you’ll be fine. It’s just like riding a bike, and your buddy Joe, is your training wheels.
Barry, listen to this song, it will put you in the bar mood.( Joe Starts singing )
COCKTAILS AT FIVE
It’s wonderful – so wonderful, Makes you feel so alive,
Getting’ together with friends and (pop / fizz) – Cocktails At Five
It’s beautiful – oh so beautiful, When you start to unwind,
Enjoying conversation with friends over (pop / fizz) Cocktails At Five.
The world’ll make you crazy, Every Tom, Dick and Daisy,
Causing you stress and strife, If you hang out with people that love you,
What more could you want out of life.
It’s amazing – so amazing, What a little down time can buy,
I’ll meet you at the tavern or the bar or the local club,
I’ll see you at the watering hole or the local pub,
As long as you got friends you know nothing but love,
Over Cocktails At Five.
Barry Feldman
That was great Joe. I see what you mean.
(Checking out the scenery, he locks in on his first girl as she approaches).
Hey there, I like your, “O My God!” Marsha what are you doing here? I never expected to see you here. You look completely different from what you look like at the store. Your hair is thick and long, your short dress is sexy and your legs are unbelievable. I never realized that you had legs before.
Marsha Fine
Did you think I was being propped up by Starbucks Grande Cups in my pants? Look, the other day when you came in for your morning jolt of coffee I was overwhelmed by the change in your appearance, and I liked what I saw. So I decided to take a page out of your book and did the same. New hair style, new short dress, new six inch stiletto heels, and new attitude.
Barry Feldman
This personal renaissance thing seems to be contagious. But how did you know I’d be here tonight?
Marsha Fine
A little detective work on my part, plus a little eves dropping and I guessed that you would be in here tonight. It’s Joes’ favorite hangout on Wednesday nights especially when his stable starts to thin, and he is obviously mentoring your transformation. Plus I saw Joe in here about six months ago when my cousin Judy from Monticello was in town. So I thought I’d show up and see what happens.
Barry Feldman
Let me get this straight, are you telling me that you got all gussied up to see me here at O’Leary’s tonight when you can see me Monday through Friday at the Starbucks that you manage?
Marsha Fine
Normally I’m too busy making sure the customers get in and get out with their order, just the way they want it and I don’t have time to chit chat. Plus, I wanted to talk to you in a more relaxed atmosphere.
You did good Joe, real good. So Barry, are you going to but me a drink? I’m getting a little parched.
Barry Feldman
Sure Marsha, what would you like?
Marsha Fine
I’ll have a glass of Pinot Grigio. So what do you think about us dating?
Joe Delany
Bartender! I’ll have a double Crown Royal Manhattan up, and a back up chaser. (Joe talking to himself out loud) Boy, am I good. I need to write a book; “How To Meet Women in New York City” and get it published right away. I could make millions. ( Joe turning around to face Marsha) Oh hi Marsha how are you doing.
Barry Feldman
I guess we could try it. I’m a little bit in shock. I thought I’d come here tonight and meet a girl, a complete stranger and instead I meet someone who I normally see five days a week, but you look entirely different. What if it doesn’t work out between us? Isn’t it going to be awarkward
Marsha Fine
I feel good about this you know, we are both a part of the “Tribe”, but if for some reason it doesn’t work out between us then I will just go back to me being the store manager and you being the customer who comes in Monday through Friday for your breakfast. How about you coming over to my apartment on Friday evening for a Shabbat Shalom Dinner around seven. I live at 49 King Street, four buildings west of Sixth Avenue. I’ll make a brisket and have a nice bottle of Manischevits wine. We can talk, get to know each other better, listen to some music and whatever. Wadda ya say?
Barry Feldman
I guess so, sure, why not, I had nothing planned for Friday night. It also gives me a truthful excuse for not playing my mother’s version of J Date. I think we should keep this dating thing quite for a while to see where it goes. Do you agree?
Marsha Fine
I’m good with that. I’ll treat you like every regular customer who comes into the store. Here’s my cell number in case you need to or want to talk to me. I’m going to have to go home and get a good night’s rest. Five AM comes awfully fast. (Marsha leans over a gives Barry a little peck on the cheek.) See ya at seven on Friday. Bye (Marsha exits O’Leary’s).
Joe Delany
This is unbelievable, you have a date for Friday night at her apartment, you didn’t have to do anything, Marsha was the hunter and you were the hunted. You are going to need my second book on “How To Score” which will be difficult to read as I haven’t written my first book yet on “How To Pick Up Women In New York City”. We will go over the tactical strategy tomorrow. But now that she went home, you need to regroup and put our plan into effect. You should feel pretty confident after Marsha came on to you. Again, remember what I told you, be cool and compliment them.
Barry Feldman
Joe, please don’t tell a soul about Marsha and me going out, alright?
Joe Delany
My lips are sealed. Even when I write about my coaching success in my book; “How to Meet Women in New York City”, I’ll give you and Marsha an alias in my book. I just see one small, or not so small hurdle. What if Marsha tells Maria that you were over her apartment for dinner?
Barry Feldman
Wow, (stuttering) I, I, I don’t know. This is all foreign territory for me. She told me that she wouldn’t tell anyone. I’ll remind her again to keep our relationship to herself when I see her on Friday night.
Joe Delany
Ok Barry, are you ready for round two? Take a deep breath, I’ll order you a coke. If a woman asks what you are drinking, tell her it’s a rum and coke. I don’t want you to start slurring your words or doing a Foster Brooks imitation.
Barry Feldman
Who is Foster Brooks, Joe?
Joe Delany
He was a comedian and singer, who did a great imitation of a drunk. He also had a great voice. He was a regular on the Dean Martin Show on Thursday nights. I saw him perform once at the Frontier Hotel in Vegas, he floored me with his operatic voice. Let’s get back to Back to Barry Feldman. Are you ready for round two?
Barry Feldman
I’m as ready as I am going to be. ( Several seconds later, a stunning brunette, in a tailored grey business suit walks up to and stands between Barry and Joe) trying to get the bartenders attention.
Joan Love
Hi there, bartender, can I get Beefeaters and Tonic on the rocks.
Joe Delany
(Realizing that Barry was not saying anything to this gorgeous female), Hi, my name is Joe, and you might be?….
Joan Love
I might be Joan. In fact the more I think about it, I am Joan.
Joe Delany
Very cute! I deserved that one. I don’t believe that I have ever seen you in here before; can I buy you that Gin and Tonic?
Joan Love
No thanks, I don’t think so; I’ll spring for my first drink. You either come in here frequently, or you are working undercover for the Census Bureau. I haven’t been in O’Leary’s in over twenty years.
Joe Delany
Oh, by the way, this is my friend and business colleague, Barry. Why the long hiatus from O’Leary’s?
Joan Love
Hi Barry, nice to meet you! I stopped coming here for two reasons; one is I moved to a suburb of Cleveland for a business opportunity, and the drive home from here at two AM was a bitch. State Troopers have no sense of humor in the wee hours of the morning. Secondly, I got married and didn’t need to support establishments like O’Leary’s. The marriage is failing, but my business succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. The only reason that I came here tonight, was that I was supposed to meet a Sorority Sister from Syracuse University, who I use to come here with a long time ago. As I was getting out of the cab, she called me to say she had an emergency and was sorry, but could not make it tonight. So I’m holding an impromptu Board meeting, just me and Mr. Beefeater, to decide what I’m going to do the rest of the evening.
Joe Delany
Well, if you want a phantom Board member so that you have a quorum, I would be delighted.
Joan Love
You are pretty fast on your feet Delany. Do you have these lines rehearsed or are you writing a book, on how to pick up women in a bar?
Joe Delany
The bar conversation comes easy, and yes I’m about to write a book on meeting women in New York City. If you think I’m fast on my feet here, you should watch me skate at my hockey game tomorrow night up at the pier on the Hudson River. The game begins at Seven PM and is over around Nine PM. After the game I’ll take you to dinner. How’s that?
Joan Love
Tell you what Wayne Gretsky; Give me your phone number, and I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon and let you know. I am going to hail a cab and go back to my hotel room. Talk to you tomorrow Joe. Joan exits the stage
Barry Feldman
That was unbelievable Joe. You picked up a great looking successful Cougar in twenty minutes. I think you should write that book.
Joe Delany
Yeah, that was pretty impressive, even for me. I’ve never driven a Cougar before, just Buicks and Caddies. I hope she stays around another day or two before going back to Cleveland. Enough about me, we are here for you tonight Barry.
Barry Feldman
Alright Joe, I’m ready for round two. (Barry takes a deep breath). Tell me this isn’t happening to me.
Joe Delany
What’s the problem?
Barry Feldman
Turn around and look to your left. It’s Maria’s sister Lupe and her boss, that beautician Greg with his bright blonde hair, Maria calls him Goldilocks behind his back. There must me over a hundred women in here tonight and so far I meet the manager of Starbucks who I see at eight AM every morning, and now the sister of the Barista at Starbucks who is my fantasy. What should I do?
Joe Delany
Sit down next to me and don’t turn around. When they walk by they may not recognize you.
Lupe Bayonia
(Tapping Barry on his shoulder). Barry, is that Jew? I don’t believe it.
Barry Feldman
You’re right on all three counts; I’m Barry, I’m a Jew and I don’t believe it either. What brings you here to O’Leary’s tonight?
Lupe Bayonia
I had my worst day ever at the salon. Not one of my customers were satisfied with me. Mrs. Giordano was mad at me because she said I cut too much off and made her face look fat. If she went on a diet, her face wouldn’t look so fat. Then Mrs. Murphy starts yelling at me because she said that I made her red hair darker, which I did. She walks around like she’s a commercial for Tropicana Orange Juice with that bright orange hair. Absolutely hideous! Then to top it off Mrs. Glickstein comes in for a Perm and tells me that I made her curls too tight, and that her husband probably wouldn’t have sex with her looking like Bob Marley. The woman is at least eighty years old and shuffles her feet when she walks. Her husband is eighty-five and can’t drive as he is legally blind. She should be thankful for Viagra and stop complaining.
Craig Silver
Lupe had such a bad day that I told her we go for a drink and flush all the bad karma away. Plus you never know what you will find in singles bar.
Barry Feldman
I’m just curious, why did you pick O’Leary’s to drown your bad day?
Lupe Bayonia
One of my regular customers’ told me that O’Leary’s was starting a Karaoke contest every Tuesday night to drum up business and the top prize is a one week trip to Puerto Rico with all expenses paid. I came in to get a copy of the entrance form.
Barry Feldman
I didn’t know that you sang Lupe.
Lupe Bayonia
I don’t sing, except in the shower and in the car when no one can see or hear me. The application is for Maria who has a great voice. She doesn’t know about this yet, but I’m hoping to convince her to perform here next Tuesday night. Jew should come and hear her sing. She would appreciate all the support she can get. But first, I need to convince her to compete.
Joe Delany
What type of songs does she like to sing?
Lupe Bayonia
She sings different types of songs from current songs on the radio, no rap, show tunes to oldies from back in the 1950’s and 1960’s. When my mother first came to New York from Cuba she would listen to the radio and tried to sign along with the artist’s. She said it was a big help to her in learning English. I remember her singing to Maria and I when we very joung. I think that is where Maria picked up her love for old songs. Fortunately for her she inherited my mother beautiful voice and I inherited the voice of my father. So if jew ever want to hear “Unchained Melody” sung by a car mechanic, let me know. I’ll belt it out for jew
Joe Delany
You can count me in for next Tuesday night. I like to listen to Karaoke. If I get a little juiced up, I’ve been known to do a few Elvis songs. Bartender, do have a few applications for the Karaoke contest next Tuesday night. (The bartender hands Joe several applications and he gives several to Lupe).
Lupe Bayonia
So Barry, how’s it going tonight? Has the new jew met anyone new and interesting?
Barry Feldman
(Stammering) Ah, ah, not really, just some familiar faces that I see every day.
Lupe Bayonia
With the way jew look, jou’ll have no problem meeting women. Gotta go! Come on Craig let’s go to one of jour bars on Eleventh Avenue and see what’s happening, then will grab some dinner.
Joe Delany
OK Barry, put yourself back in “Pick Up” mode. Are you ready?
Barry Feldman
I don’t know Joe, I’m getting a little tired and worn out. If I were home, I’d be on my third episode of “Blue Bloods”, watching from under the covers. I’ll give it one more shot.
( A few seconds latter two middle aged females walk by Barry)
Hi, you look familiar, my name is Barry Feldman, what’s your’s?
Rachel Altman
I am Rachel Altman. You’re not the same Barry Feldman that I met several months ago at the Speed Dating social sponsored by Temple Beth Shalom at the Marriott Hotel downtown, are you? You don’t look like him, but you sound like him. Are you him?
Barry Feldman
You must have a good ear to remember what I sounded like several months ago. I’ve kind of spruced myself up since we last met. The lighting in that room was so bad I couldn’t pick out my mother if she were standing ten feet away. Sorry I didn’t recognize you.
Rachel Altma
That’s understandable I’ve had a rhinoplasty and a Boob Job two months ago. It was my mother’s idea. She said that when she saw the film “The Graduate” when she was in high school, it always stuck with her that “Plastic” was the product of our futures. So, (as she sticks her chest out holding her drink up), well here’s to my futur
Joe Delany
Hi, I’m Barry’s friend Joe and I’ll drink to that.
Rachel Altman
Nice to meet you Joe! Here’s two of my business cards with my cell number, one for Barry and one for Joe. I’m a clinical psychologist specializing in marital issues; that means divorce counseling. I have to go; we are meeting two other friends of ours in Chinatown in fifteen minutes. Give me a call, Bye.
( Curtain closes as sound increases playing “Staying Alive”.)