STARBUCKS THE MUSICAL COMEDY

                                                     ACT: I SCENE: I

As the curtain rises, on the Starbucks set, all eight actors are scurrying about the set, some stopping to speak with each other, (non-audible) with a sense of urgency, (They are in a hurry.) After approximately 10 seconds of this, the music starts playing the opening song; “THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR A CUP OF COFFEE” , and Craig starts speaking his lines rythmatically to the beat of the music.

                                                                    Craig Silver

        Mrs. Goldberg – I’m very sorry, I can’t change your appointment after two.

       The fashion show’s at six, plus it’s prom night at the Ritz,

       And the girl who does your hair, she has the flu.

       (Spoken)  Yes I’m sorry, goodbye. (Hang’s up phone) I have no time for this.

                                                                   Barry Feldman

        Mr. Quinion – this is accounting, the P&L is grossly out of line.

       The expenses you submitted far outweigh the funds remitted,

       And the IRS is calling all the time.

        (Spoken) Yes sir, Okay, goodbye. (Hangs up) You can’t rush these things.

Chorus:     There’s always time for a mug of coffee,

                   There’s always time for a cup of joe,

                   There’s always time for a mocha latte,

                   There’s always time for a macchiato.

                                                                     Joan Love

            Hello Brenda? This is Joan; I just had to look you up while I’m in town,

            Putting business deals aside, even though I’m pressed for time,

            We can get together soon if you’re around.

            (Spoken)  Got to go…running late… we’ll talk. (Hangs up).

  Chorus:   There’s always time for a mug of coffee,

                   There’s always time for a cup of joe,

                   There’s always time for a mocha latte,

                   There’s always time for a macchiato.

                                                                 Maria Bayonia

             David! Get the names right – and write them clearly on the cup.

                                                                   David Shapiro

             Maria, what’s your problem? Just give them what they ordered, the

             name’s are clear enough. I’m in a hurry!

                                                                   Maria Bayonia

          They’re in a hurry!

                                                                  Group  (Except Maria and David)

           We’re in a hurry!

                                                                      Marsha Fine

         The orders make you scurry, when you get them in a flurry, and you have

          to really hurry just to get them all out.

         Chorus: (Slower tempo)     There’s always time for a mug of coffee,

                                                         There’s always time for a cup of joe,

                                                         There’s always time for a mocha latte,

                                                         There’s always time for a macchiato.

        (Repeat Chorus)                     There’s always time for a mug of coffee,

                                                           There’s always time for a cup of joe,

                                                           There’s always time for a mocha latte,

                                                           There’s always time for a macchiato.         

      (At the conclusion of the opening song, all cast members exit stage except   

       Maria Bayonia,  Marsha Fine and David Shapiro).

                                                                              ACT: I-1

Opening scene takes place at 6:30 AM at the front door of a Starbucks store in the So Ho section of New York City in early October 2014.

                                                                  Maria Bayonia

Have a good day Pa Pa; Love jew, see jew at dinner.

Good morning everybody, for the first time in six months the heat feels good in here today. Feels like Jack Frost is on the Pumpkin. (Muffled giggles from actors on stage).

                                                                  Marsha Fine

You hear that cashiers and baristas, Maria just said the magical word “Pumpkin”. Every day from now until December first we are being told by corporate to push everything Pumpkin. Pumpkin flavored coffee drinks hot or cold, Pumpkin pound cake, Pumpkin cup cakes, Pumpkin bagels, yuk! and Pumpkin pie. Cashiers, the Pumpkin specials are on the blackboard behind you, and your cash registers were programmed overnight to reflect the menu changes. Baristas, there are four cartons of Pumpkin flavored liquid in the back. Open one case and take a bottle each for customers looking to get into the Halloween or Thanksgiving mood.

                                                                  David Shapiro

(David,  a cashier who saunters over by Maria). Maria, everyday you look so beautiful, and smell so fresh, how do you do it and get here by 6:30 in the morning Monday through Friday.

                                                                  Maria Bayonia

Easy, my looks came from my parents Dido and Josey, and the rest is nothing but soap and water and everyday hygiene, jew should try it. I wouldn’t waste my good perfume to come in here and then spend five hours at NYjew in the afternoons working on my Bachelors’ degree smelling like a Chiquita from the barrio.

                                                                      Marsha Fine

On top of that David, we want the customers to inhale the rich aromas of Starbucks great tasting coffee, not some cheapo fragrance like a “Night in Hoboken”, bought on line for two dollars. While you are at it David, you could go a little easier on the Old Spice yourself, your drowning out the Pumpkin aroma. Maria, you looked worried, what’s the problem?

                                                                       Maria Bayonia

Oh, I have a philosophy test today at three o’clock and I can’t remember which philosopher was responsible for what theory. I couldn’t tell jew one thing about Descartes, and I know there will be at least one question about him; he’s my professors’ favorite philosopher.

                                                                       David Shapiro

I’d like to help you out Maria, but my car is parked in the lot off Church Street.

                                                                       Maria Bayonia

Imbasilidad!

 And another thing Einstein, when jew print the customer’s name on the side of the cup, please make an attempt to use symbols that resemble the twenty six letters in jour alphabet. This job is not supposed to be a quiz show. I’m making a fool of myself saying a name like Steve, and the customer’s name is Susan, because I can’t read jour scribble.

                                                                       David Shapiro

I was out the day they taught printing in the first grade, but I’ll make an attempt to print clearly.

Good morning Tony. What are we having this morning?

                                                                        Tony Perone

(Tony is an antagonist who is handsome, well built, early thirty something who works for Con Edison repairing and maintain electric lines under the streets of Manhattan. He is a regular who speaks like Rocky Balboa and makes a daily effort to impress Maria with a litany of sophomoric lines, most of which he mispronounces. He would like nothing better to add Maria to his stable of consenting women.)

I don’t know what we are having, but I’ll have the usual, a Grande Caffe Mocha and a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

                                                                       David Shapiro

Would you like to try our Pumpkin cream cheese?

                                                                       Tony Perone

No thanks, I don’t do Pumpkin. (Moving  in line toward Maria the barista).

                                                                    Maria Bayonia

Tony, here’s jour Grande Caffe Mocha,

                                                                    Tony Perone

Maria, how would you like to go to dinner with me on Friday night, and then we can go dancing? I know a great restaurant and a club with a good sound system.

                                                                    Maria Bayonia

Tony, I have told jew a thousand times, I don’t date customers or fellow employees. Even if I would, we have nothing in common, other than the same species,… I think.

                                                                    Tony Perone

Yo, we must have something in common. Listen, what would it take for you to go to dinner with me?

                                                                    Maria Bayonia

Let me think. OK! If jew get on Jeopardy as a contestant, I’ll go to dinner with jew.

                                                                    Tony Perone

How do I do that?

                                                                    Maria Bayonia

Jew go on line and take a test to see if you qualify, unless jew know Alex Tribeck.

                                                                    Tony Perone

Isn’t he the guy who was second in command on the Starship Enterprise on Startreck under Captain Kirk, you know, the guy with the pointy ears?

                                                                    Maria Bayonia

No Tony, he’s the host of Jeopardy, the TV show and was never on Startreck , as far as I know. Have a good day and stay away from live wires, God knows what the shock would do to jew.

                                                                      Marsha Fine

(Walk’s over behind Maria) Is everything OK Maria?

                                                                      Maria Bayonia

Everything is good Marsha, Tony and I were just having a brief discussion about Quiz Shows in outer space.

                                                                      David Shapiro

Good morning! What looks good?

                                                                      Barry Feldman

(Protagonist; His head tilts down, somewhat shy looking down the counter toward Maria then looking back, speaking in a shy soft tone,), Well as for the menu, I’ll have a Venti Caffe Latte with skim milk and a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

                                                                       David Shapiro

Would you like to try our special seasonal Pumpkin Cream Cheese?

                                                                       Barry Feldman

No Thanks.  Here is my Starbucks Debit Card, I think there’s about $45.00 left on it.

                                                                       David Shapiro

OK, now there is $38.25 balance on the card. Maria will have your order in a minute. If you don’t mind me asking Barry, where do you work? You seem to be a regular Monday through Friday.

                                                                        Barry Feldman

I work around the corner. I’m a CPA for the Hedge Fund Manager.

                                                                        Maria Bayonia

Larry, Larry, Venti Caffe Latte with toasted bagel with cream cheese.

                                                                        Barry Feldman

Uh, I think that’s my order, except my name is Barry not Larry.

                                                                        Maria Bayonia

Sorry mista, the cashier doesn’t print legibly. Nice to see jew Barry, jew come in almost every day. Jew are a very polite yentelman.

                                                                        Barry Feldman

Thank you barista, I appreciate the compliment.

( Barry walks over and sits down at a table to eat breakfast.)

                                                                         Joe Delany

(Joe Delany is late thirties, tall good looking Irishman that can charm both men and women alike. He is a rugged guy who plays hockey at night twice a week in an industrial league on a pier on the Hudson River. He does not socialize with Barry but has taken him under his wing at the Hedge Fund.) Joe makes his entrance waves over at Barry who is a co-worker and yells to him save me that seat.

 (At the cashiers station he says), Good morning David, I’ll have a Grande Peppermint Mocha with whipped cream and a piece of lemon pound cake.

                                                                         David Shapiro

That will be $7.15. Maria will have your order in a minute. Have a good day.

                                                                        Maria Bayonia

Moe, Moe, a Grande Peppermint Mocha.

                                                                           Joe Delany

Thanks, but that’s Joe. (Joe walks over to where Barry is seated and sits down.) Hey stud, how was your weekend?

                                                                          Maria Bayonia

David, jew are turning into a cartoon, right before my very eyes.

                                                                         Barry Feldman

You’re the first person who ever called me stud. Do I look like a stud to you?

My weekend was another social disaster. On Friday evening my mother put a guilt trip on me to go with her to Temple for Shabbat Shalom services, telling me that there were a few new attractive young women at the service last week. No such luck this week, Neiman Markus must have had a sale. The best looking one there resembled Ben Herr’s’ sister from the Valley of the Leapers. Saturday night I went to a “Speed Dating” event for young Jewish singles at the Marriott downtown by the Trade Center where I interviewed three of Cinderella’s sisters for ten minutes each and paid twenty-five dollars for the privilege. Oyva! I would date Moe, Larry and Curley before these hags. They didn’t care for me either, once I told them I was a CPA their eyes glazed over and they completely lost interest. They are all programmed for Doctors and Lawyers. I’m convinced it’s in their DNA, they can’t help themselves.

                                                                             Joe Delany

Barry lets back up a little bit. First place you have to be self confident to feel and act like a stud. You could be one, you just need a makeover and you could date anyone you wanted to, unless I wanted to date that same girl. Secondly, you are going about this in the wrong way. You need to go an “In Bar”, like O’Leary’s on Wednesday’s right after work. There must be a hundred young women in there looking for successful guys to take them out on Saturday night. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. If you are interested, I’ll coach you on the Delany method of “How to Score with the Opposite Sex”. I’ll be your Henry Higgins like in “My Fair Lady”.

                                                                           Barry Feldman

I’m in. Can we go to O’Leary’s’ this Wednesday?

                                                                              Joe Delany

Slow down cowboy, not so fast. You need a complete makeover before your ready for the Pariahs’ in O’Leary’s. I’m going to need a little time and your complete cooperation and do everything I say, and I don’t want you mad at me or have hard feelings either. We still have to work closely in the same office, Monday through Friday.

                                                                            Barry Feldman

I’m on board. What’s your plan and when do we start?

                                                                              Joe Delany

 OK! Starting tomorrow right after work we will go to Barneys’ Men’s Store and we will get you some threads that will knock them dead. I’ll set up a hair stylist appointment for early Wednesday evening with a guy that I know on 57^th and Lex, who cuts and styles hair for several Broadway actors. He’s the best. It will cost you $200.00 plus tip, but when you look in the mirror, you won’t recognize yourself. You’ll look like you are on the cover of GQ not Dork Q. Your assignment for Thursday night is to rent the DVD of “Saturday Night Fever” and pay attention to how Travoltas’ character interacts with women. I’m not suggesting you annunciate like him, and you don’t have to dance like him, just try to plagiarize his attitude and coolness. They way he looks at a woman, his come on lines. When I’m finished with you Barry, you’ll be fighting women off with a stick.

Barry you need a new Attitude.

(Joe Delany starts singing the song “ATTITUDE”.)

                                 When you’re looking in the mirror

                                 What would you rather see?

                                 A tired suit…a disheveled shnook

                                 Or someone cool like me.

                                 You can but new clothes and adjust your look

                                 There’s a million fashion tricks.

                                 But your presence and self confidence

                                 Are the things you need to fix

      (Spoken)           I’m telling you, watch Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. He’s got it all.

                                  The meticulous way he combs his hair- – –  Attitude

                                  To the perfect cut of the clothes he wears – – – Attitude

                                  From the sexy gleam of his classic smile – – – Attitude

                                  It’s undeniable, the man’s got style – – – – Attitude

Chorus:                   If you’re just looking for a hook up

                                 Or meet her at the altar,

                                 As in Saturday Night Fever, you need

                                Ah , ah attitude like John Travolta.

                                 Mucho macho cool is at the top of his list –  It’s  all —Attitude

                                 He has the animal attraction that ladies can’t resist- – – Attitude

Chorus:                   If you’re just looking for a hook up

                                 Or meet her at the Altar,

                                 As in Saturday Night Fever, you need

                                Ah, ah,  attitude  like John Travolta.

                                                                            Barry Feldman

This is really exciting Joe. What should I do over the weekend?

                                                                               Joe Delany

Watch the movie over and over till you think you’re Barry Travolta, not Barry Feldman. Practice your come on lines in the mirror until you are comfortable with the new and exciting Barry Feldman. Your clothes should be ready from the tailor at Barneys’ on Saturday, so go and pick them up. Make sure you try them on and they fit perfectly so the ladies can see what side your keys are on.

                                                                              Barry Feldman

My keys! I never put them in my pants pocket; I usually put them in my jacket pocket.

                                                                                Joe Delany

Barry, Barry, Barry, your either bragging or your naive. Where you wear your keys is a euphemism for your schlong. Get it. It’s got to go either left or right. If you actually keep it in your jacket pocket, you’ll have more dates then a fig tree and you don’t need me.

You look like something is bothering you. What is it?

                                                                                Barry Feldman

Well, this is all so exciting, but I have a feeling that my mother, Merriam, isn’t going to want her Yeshiva graduate son to look and sound like John Travoltas’ character from Saturday Night Fever. She would prefer that I look like Yentel, if she had the choice. But I need to change, I’m miserable the way I am.

                                                                                   Joe Delany

Just sit her down and tell her that you are not happy, and you feel you need to alter your persona.

You keep looking over at the Barista; you think she’s hot, right. Just wait two weeks and the new Barry can be dating her.

                                                                               Barry Feldman

You think so. I have been dreaming about her for the past several months, ever since she started working here. There is also the clash of ethnic backgrounds; she’s Spanish and I am a Jew.

                                                                                 Joe Delany

One step at a time. pass my “How to Score with the Opposite Sex” course first then figure out how you are going to deal with the religious and ethnic problem. Maybe we could get Pope Francis involved for an Ecumenical moment, or you could take her to a kosher Spanish restaurant near the United Nations Building. Gotta go, I have a meeting that starts promptly at 9:00 AM. See you in the office. (Joe exits the stage).

                                                                                 Craig Silver

(Next in line at David’s cash register) I’ll have a Grande Tazo Chai Tea Latte and a toasted bagel with cream cheese.

                                                                                  David Shapiro

Would you like to try our new seasonal special, Pumpkin Cream Cheese?

                                                                                 Craig Silver

Sure, why not. Maybe the aroma of pumpkin will drown out the chemicals of hair dye that will one day cause my premature death by inhaling the toxic fumes eight hours a day, six days a week. I actually love the taste and smell of pumpkin. It reminds me of growing up in the Village on McDougle Street in the late fall.

                                                                                   David Shapiro

Then you are going to love our holiday menu for the next six weeks, we have pumpkin everything.

                                                                                  Maria Bayonia

Good morning Craig, how is my sister Lupe working out at jour beauty salon? Is she behaving herself?

                                                                                   Craig Silver

Lupe is wonderful Maria, she has more energy than the other five hairdressers put together. She has picked up on coloration better than anyone I have worked with in such a short period of time. I just have to keep her assigned to my female clients, as she’s honing in on my territory with my male clients. She can be so flirtatious, I think she is capable in having some of them “change teams”, if you know what I mean.

                                                                               Maria Bayonia

My parents and I appreciate jew giving Lupe an opportunity at a career. I’ll be in next Thursday at 6PM for a cut and blow dry. Bye Craig.

                                                                                  Marsha Fine

David, you need to be more careful with your printing on the side of the cups. Not only are you making the Barista’s job more difficult, the customer wants their name pronounced correctly. One more name screw up this week and I’m going to write you up, and I won’t misspell David.

Maria; good job. You kept the line moving and not one customer returned their drink for any reason. I just spoke with David and hopefully his spelling will start to improve. Listen, would you mind if I put the moves on that Con Ed guy, what’s his name?

                                                                               Maria Bayonia

His name is Tony Peroni. Be my guest, he’s not my type. I think all he is really looking for is a roll in the hay and I’m not interested.

                                                                                Marsha Fine

Well I certainly wouldn’t mind. He is young, good looking and well built. I might even ask him to keep his plastic helmet on with the big diode light in the front. It will be shades of the Village People playing for the other team. (Start’s singing and using her arms to spell out Y M C A !)

End of Act 1 Scene 1.

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